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Leaving Home

I’m both not ready to discuss it and very ready to discuss it – my parents death. They’re breathing, they’re here on earth, and they’re only 12 minutes away via the interstate.

But I can’t reach them.

And I mourn them.

Yet I accept that they’re unreachable.

That doesn’t say anything about me. When you pick up the phone and call someone but they’re not available, do you assume you’re the problem? No. It’s a fact. They could not or did not pick up.

That’s how I treat this time away from M and J, my birth parents.

I focus on me and what I can change. They’re each humans trying, too. And we cannot connect like I need to connect to feel healthy. Really, there’s more darkness to it than that.

In truth I’ve been severely cut off and made to be someone I am not. I’ve been dismissed and therefore dismayed. I’ve been called awful names. And I’ve still tried. My behavior has said, “love me! See me! Treat me like your baby.” And there’s has shown:

You are worthless. You do not matter. You are insignificant all the while confusing me with gifts and money and lies – the kind that made me think I must be dreaming up the pain. Crazy. I am not crazy, though.

I am a human. Like them, I am human. I want to be safe and enough and held. And my friend (er, my erm… psychologist) says that if I’m going to be enough, safe, and held, then I am going to have to give myself that.

I’m realizing I’ll have to give it to myself awkwardly. Flailingly, insufficiently… but, at least consistently. Semi-consistently. Enough to show me that I am here most of the time.

This will help me trust that I am sufficiently suited to help me. To receive nourishing support that feels safe from others. I will have reflected my own deepest Self’s love to me and then receive that from others.

In the time that it has been since I last spoke with M or J, I’ve felt the grace I’d the universe holding me tenderly through the love of my fellows. The people who don’t judge. Who have space. Who tell the truth.

I am so grateful to them. I am reparenting myself. I am allowing a clear mirror to be held up in front of me. One that reflects the good and the also-good-and-at-the-same-time-harder-to-deal-with aspects of me. In respecting myself first and foremost, I am more able to respect others’ rights to be themselves.

Universal Love has the power to change it all for any of us at any moment. I know that whether or not my parents and my relationship re-grows, I’ve done brave things to step back.

I tried this in 2014 and 2019 and both times I re-established contact before I was ready. In 2019, it drove me to Advent Shawnee Mission for a psychiatric stay. The amount of pain I felt was beyond consuming.

The pit in my stomach felt so vast. I would weep endlessly.

To be continued.

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