Roaring, Boring, & Other Ways I’ve Been

I am inspired by you. By me. By life. The Awe of it all. The Au. That’s what my Will calls me – ‘Au.’ Au is the symbol on the periodic table of elements for Gold. Juxtaposed against my having felt like a piece of shit for so long, I quite like the nickname. Thank you, Will. One of the many kind things you do for me. You are so kind.

I’ve fallen in love in the last year. To a handsome man. A kind man. A good man. A successful man. He is bright and intelligent, flawed and imperfect, brilliant. I like how I feel when I am with him – safe, one with my creative Self, open-minded, free to be who I am, held, uncriticized, interesting, and beautiful.

These are all qualities I built inside of me, first! That’s why he and I have them.

These days, I’m more focused on kindness to myself. I’m so kind in comparison with where I used to be. I’m also never going to be perfect. Ever. So that perfectionist voice can just glide on past. But, kinder – I want to be that.

I want to look the world in the eye and know the world has its story, too. What I mean to say is I want to look others in the eye and hear THEIR story. Writing about me is so cool. And, it’s just one perspective.

There are endless perspectives to take. Endless. Not one or two – but infinite!

I am enamored, no ensorcelled even enraptured, by the way that one tiny change can undo it all. Can blow to smithereens any hope for life to propel in one direction. Yet, it can also therefore bring to light the abundant new ways of looking at things.

Claire Wineland was an American woman who battled Cystic Fibrosis. At the age 21, a week after receiving her double lung transplant, she died of a blood clot. While Claire was alive, though, she breathed Life into ideas, she created a foundation, she challenged people to look deeper and really ask themselves about their relationship with death.

I’ve had a close connection with death my entire life. Since my in-uterine twin-to-twin transfusion, minor heart issues, asthma, growing up in a highly dysfunctional home, almost drowning, sexual abuse, financial abuse, emotional neglect, abusive relationships, self gas-lighting, living through war, recession(s), Donald Trump’s election, attacks on Women’s rights, sexual assault, harassment and bullying, I’ve felt afraid for a long time.

As well, I have been saved by the nutrients I was provided, delivered by a skilled doctor, given compassion, touch, and care, saved from drowning, made it through dysfunction and chaos, surviving abuse and attacks on my body and psyche, political and worldly and financial threats, political unrest, shown great compassion, I have also felt loved for a long time.

These days, I spend time (in the form of one breath at a time) mindfully letting life happen to me and happening to life. I go toward what I’m afraid of. Being trapped or enclosed in spaces scares me. So I make myself take the elevator. I force myself to run the extra mile. To not seek excessive validation, but trust I am loved and known and wholly and deeply beautiful.

My mind is calmer. My body is relaxed. I undulate with the currents of emotions. I label less. I feel more. I know I am alive. I know I matter.